I make decisions that the saner people in my life think are crazy. I persevere with people that are seen by others as lost causes, or worse, douchebags. After all this time being around people and actually caring about them, even the ones that treat me terribly - I’m able to figure out when something is straight-up selfish and mean, and when it is due to excessive cluelessness… the kinds that comes from being neural atypical.
Combine this with my inability to speak plainly about what I need and want from people (because deep down, the “old tapes” are still playing, telling me I’m useless, a parasite, an oxygen thief, a marriage-ruiner, the reason my father drinks, the reason he would go away sometimes and spend time with people and *their kids*, would never amount to anything - can you imagine saying to someone who would speak to you like that anything as reasonable as, “Please don’t speak to me that way. When you say I am useless, it makes me forget all of the amazing skills I have acquired and my ability to get through social situations without any help.”? I can’t.
So those habits carry over. And I find myself challenged because I honestly think that the one I keep butting heads with… who is so very dear to me, I love him more than normal people love sunshine… is wired so completely differently than me that we literally come up against walls in our communication. I’m learning to adapt to how I suspect his brain operates, and so far, success! But it’s so tiring. Once in a while I want to switch sides and have him make an effort to understand how I communicate sometimes and what those things mean. And I can’t do that or make any attempt at that before I build up the courage to suggest that I’d like him to speak to a specialist about testing on a scale of disorders. Intelligent people who are neuro atypical might think that their cleverness is being insulted. It’s not. Many bright brains come in very logical, very quirky packages, and I dig that. I just wish the translation weren’t so hard and that I didn’t have to wade so far through my own overemotional state to arrive at concise communication bulletpoints.
None of this might make any sense. I’m more journaling for myself here. I’ve been making a mess of this whole “recording my life so I can see if self-affirmation, healthier choices, more attention to spirituality and love are actually things that work, or hippie garbage”… I’m going to try to write more often. It will seem cryptic and weird. ‘S’ok. Tumblr is for all the randoms of the world, even the wannagoth bronies (me).